Apr. 23rd, 2013

Okay- So I friended people from my graduate class on facebook and feel that I can no longer complain on there about it. :/

I'm in a graduate program to receive my MA in Humanities (sometime in the future) and have been pulling one class a semester since last summer. I love my professor this semester as he is quite intelligent and his lectures are interesting. My dilemma is- I have been so out of it this semester that I have completely dropped the ball on this course. I do my readings, I participate, but when it comes to the papers, I fail. Every time. I usually have a system when it comes to academic writing. It involves, choosing a topic, making up a thesis and them making an outline that I plan to follow. This time around, each assignment has either been too vague to do parts 1&2 or I've been so distracted that I haven't completed parts 1&2.

The culmination of this class is a 15-25 page histography on a topic of our choice. I chose Japan, since I've written about it before and its a subject I'm well passionate about. And then life happened. Life happened so much that I got so far behind in the course that I completely lost my motivation and vision for the paper.

As it stands- I've written something. It's...not good. I hate it. If it were turned into me, I'd mark it all up and write comments like "repetitive" "clarification" "details" and I know it's bad. I know that it's not what the teacher was asking for. I've spent all of my free time working on it, and am frustrated that this is what I came up with. I probably put more hours into this paper than I have for my past two classes combined. And I'm upset that I'm turning in sub-par work. I'm upset that my teacher is going to read this- because it is awful.

I seriously contemplated dropping the course last week. Met with my teacher and everything. Came out of the meeting feeling more motivated than before and thinking that I could master the subject matter. Alas- three more days of staying at the library until close only resulted in more jumbled notes and statements that had nothing to do with what I was trying to say.

I even tape-recorded myself talking about the subject, since I know that I know the subject, and am just having difficulty putting it onto the paper. (turns out that I talk WAY too fast to keep up with myself :/

Anyway- I wanted to complain about my lack of focus and the knowledge that I've probably bombed my first class ever (well..since Geometry in HS). I would be so so happy if I got a C on this paper. Though I know that will do nothing to alleviate how upset I am with myself that I will be turning it in. ugh.

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